Breaking the curse!

The curse know as Obsessive Compulsion Disorder (OCD). For those of you that don't know OCD is a anxiety disorder in which certain rituals are a way of life intrusive fears/thoughts if things are not done in the right way.

Last week I showed up to drop my son off at school at the normal time. As the teachers were leaving for there lunch I sat waiting.. 45 minutes later I was able to walk Parker into his class. 45 yes I said FORTY FIVE minutes!! I have always struggled with time lying about the start time of certain events to allow me that half an hour to be early. Late just isn't an option. Sitting in my car watching the teachers leave so casually really brought it home to me just how serious things had become. Time to change!

I am on day 2 of change..

Lets start with yesterday. I arrived at school dropping big lumpy off at 8:45, Usually 8:30.. I then dropped little lumpy at 12:20, Usually 12:00.. I arrived at 3:10 and parked in a different space. It proved too much and the anxiety was through the roof being late and in the wrong space? it wasn't good and put in a really rotten mood the rest of the day.

Today, dropped off this morning at 8:30. (baby steps) Kindergarten drop off at 12:10 and although I parked in the same space I arrived late(er) my anxiety is still high but I lived!

I have a goal of ten minutes early in a different parking space daily by the end of the school year..

I can and will break this curse!

Made just for him!

We have been trying to get ahead on school shopping. It has proven quite eventful. right down to my sitting on the floor in the children's section of wal~mart crying my little socks off because Parker just doesn't fit into any of the clothes. Now I am sure you are thinking "shouldn't the clothes fit the child"? Not in Parker's case measuring in at a giant...

19" waist and 35" tall weighing in at 29lb when soaking wet and 5 years old.

He is a force to be reckoned with. Don't let the small stature blind you. Out of my 3 children he may measure/weigh in as the smallest but he has one huge personality! 

Having a short child with a huge personality can be so hard We started the day excited for Kindergarten and excited to go buy new clothes but both came home crying. No luck. The 2T's although fit in the length (the waist had the adjustable waistband) just had way too much fabric on the butt. They are designed with a toddler in mind that wears a diaper. Parker must have tried on 30 pairs of trousers yesterday going in and out of almost every store imaginable heading home with 0, yes I said ZERO! 

driving around town today I figured I would go and check out Bealls, It isn't a store I go into often (Not sure why) but off we went. Cody, Parker, Emmy and myself determined to find a pair of trousers that fit!

HELLO LEVI'S 514! We found 2 pairs in blue that were slim straight leg 2T!!

Parker very excitedly just kicked his shoes off right there in the children's section and pulled his little shorts down practically screaming "These fit mommy, I like these, They're gonna fit you'll see"! I was honestly just thankful he put underwear on, He isn't a fan.. 

What do you know, Those 2 pairs of levi's not only looked good but they fit Parker with room for growth (Should he of course decide to grow anymore) no extra fabric on the butt just an adjustable waistband. Had they had more I would have bought them. alas, they did not. Still 2 pair of jeans that do not have holes in them from continued use are sitting next to a very proud young man.

Yesterday was emotionally draining for all of us, Parker suffered in a way I will never fully understand. Today was definitely a blessing. My sweet boy knew that his search was over, He knew those Jeans were made just for him!

Never to suffer would mean never to have been blessed. (Edgar Allan Poe)

If you could live in a musical, Would you?

Imagine the possibilities of being able to say what you want in song and live with no regret sing your little heart out with each mood.. Wake up the next morning and hide behind the music (or the beer), it didn't mean anything it was just a song.. A great song. A classic song! Sing of love sing of joy sing of rock and roll.. Tonight my choice would indeed be rock and roll. Short skirt, short shirt a beer in one hand maybe even both, a constant musical rhythm fueling each stride. Going out dancing there would be no need to go to a night club, the streets would be full of people singing your song, sweaty but in the groove like tomorrow will always be better because for now we have today. 

I used to be a party girl, Short skirts see through shirts high heels and beer in hand.. Tonight I wish I could have a glimpse of that, Not perhaps the beer but the dancing, the volume, walking around town like it owed me something (Which I still haven't figured out why I thought that, I did) Growing up is so easy to do those days are far behind me and yet I still feel the need to get up and dance. Dance like I have never danced before Happy, Excited, Content with everything I have accomplished in life even the failures for without them I wouldn't be where I am today!

So I ask you, if you could live in a musical, Would you?

Hell Freakin YEAH!!

My song..

Pour some sugar on me-Def Leopard. 

Noradsanta.org

It's that time of year again where we get to sit in front of the fireplace, watch the snow fall whilst drinking hot chocolate loaded with marshmallows. The Christmas tree is up, the lights are on.

Out comes the laptop, Noradsanta.org. Currently, Santa is somewhere between China and Mongolia. Last year Cody was very upset that Santa arrived in the UK much sooner than he did here, I am excited to see his reaction today when at 5pm we will sit and watch him fly over Southam, Warwickshire UK.

We sit reading books regarding the nativity, Talking about the birth of Jesus Christ and how magical the day actually is. My boys ask me how did Santa get involved with Jesus' birthday... I have no clue.. I guess I need to get on google!

Not enough swear words!

I am having one of those nights that avoiding certain people is the right thing to do.. Sitting in a "Hypothetical"  corner and being stoned is not what I call a fun evening!! Being laughed at and humiliated.. One person can change your attitude so quickly and then everything goes down hill.. so with this I simply say..

Sometimes there just aren't enough swear words in the world!!

Cruise control?

Whilst taking a road trip with my children last week I once again chose to resist hitting the cruise control button and left my foot firmly between the accelerator and brake pedal.. I couldn't help but wonder, "Would a car set to cruise control know to stop if the driver perhaps fell asleep and rolled off the road?" I know morbid much.. but, Seriously, would a car know when to let the cruise control stop?

first morning done!

well, that could've gone better.. Although i haven't run  in quite some time my mile time was 9 and a half minutes... No, Not happy about that at all! I did manage 70 squats per minute and beat my record of 17 situps per minute and succeeded with 21.. woot woot, Tomorrow is an easy day, scales and body measurements...

Body Semester.

Well, here I am.. The night before I start a 4 week program with Body semester, This is nothing new to me as I have been a student here for the last 6 months, The first 3 were amazing I lost 30lb and became a amazing body age of 24! 11 years younger than my actual age! My muscle mass was fantastic everything went great.. The last 3 months were sadly not so great. My attitude stunk! Really stunk.. Things changed my son became very sick and life just simply became confusing.. I start a 5 day 4 week course tomorrow at 5am! I am excited owning up to the fact I ate like crap, that although I exercised  along with Jillian Michaels (On the days I wasn't at the studio) I didn't give it my all. I will be not only showing up but showing up with attitude! The attitude that only a British girl has, all my frustrations all my anger all of my all will be spent in that studio! 


I am proof that Body Semester works! I am also proof that you control the results! The next four weeks are going to be brutal for me so please understand when I decline lunch, I will be sticking to this plan for the long haul, not just for four weeks! 


Here's to a happy healthier me! 

The pain remains.

5 years ago tomorrow we will celebrate Charlie's birthday and the birthday of our sweet little girl Hannah-Rae, her heart stopped beating and our little angel was chosen to return to her heavenly father, We will never understand the reasons behind her leaving us so soon and without ever seeing us or hearing how much we all loved her. Some things in life have no answers, The loss of a child is never anything a parent should have to experience. Time does heal however, the pain remains, it just becomes easier to live. Each passing year we have celebrated Charlie's birthday thinking of our precious daughter. Not a moment passes where she isn't in my thoughts she will forever be a part of me just as much as she is a part of her brothers and sister.

Hannah-Rae Flowers, you are a beautiful child of God, May you sing and dance with Jesus all day and every day, until we meet again. Love always xx Mom.

Garden house, Cedar City UT.

Celebrating a anniversarry typically involves a romantic evening, However last night, was anything but!

We visited The Garden House,

Finally the hostess seats us letting us know our server will be with us shortly, Ten minutes later, still no server, 15 minutes still no server, I casually comment that perhaps its time to just eat the bread and head for the door, WOO HOO Waiter arrives! Grayson seemed stressed but still managed a nice warm friendly smile, he tells us the specials, by this time we both knew exactly what we wanted.. the starter arrives;

Baked Brie, A slice of French Brie wrapped in phylo pastry..
This is by far my favorite food, somewhat excited I pick up my knife and attempt to eat.. While the pastry was indeed cooked the brie itself was not, very cold and well, dry..

The salad was amazing but can you really go wrong with fresh lettuce, onions, cucumbers and cherry tomatos?

A young couple clearly on there first date arrive, Excellent entertainment!

Have to add at this point drinks had still not arrived... Again casually mentioning the lack of drinks, Grayson soon comes over apologizing profusively he forgot the drinks we ordered..

Charlie ordered chicken fried steak which came with mashed potatoes and seasonal veggies.. I ordered red trout with pilaf rice and seasonal veggies...

Charlie had few complaints, perhaps I am too picky about food, last I checked rice typically isn't served dried and burnt and veggies served still frozen, the trout was a little dry and had a dried out piece of lemon butter on the top, however still enjoyable. When Grayson finally came back to check on us (almost an hour later) we let him know of the frozen veggies and dried burnt rice and he smiled sweetly, "Thanks for letting me know" turned and walked away...

Somehow I don't think we'll go back!


The best part of dinner..

The young couple on first date;

Him, Yeah I own a drumset..

Her, Oh do you play?

Him, Well duh!

Oh Bonkers!

I do believe I have gone "Bonkers", It's unfortuante some gifts cannot be returned..

Although a return would not be granted.. See Bonkers!

7 years ago today!

I very anxiously awaited the arrival of my first born child a boy to be named Cody William Flowers, We got his name from Buffalo Bill, (William Fredrick Cody) he was born a little after 3pm on a Friday afternoon, 3 days of intense labor would test my patience with many people. Finally Cody was born weighing an astonishing 10lb, I didn't get to see him for several hours, He was struggling to breathe and suffering from seizures. As new parents Charlie and I were terrified, we were told not to expect too much and to enjoy every minute for the next few months, Many trips up and down to Primary Children's hospital and neurologist appt's all over UT, We made it to 1, The pediatrician was excited to see us, No one expected us to get through a month yet here we were at a year!

Cody lives with gastroparesis, sleep apnea a unknown seizure disorder and high functioning Autism.. He is so full of life and a constant ball of energy,

Happy 7th birthday my sweet boy!

Resentment..

There isn't very much in life that renders me speechless, perhaps one or two personal moments but thats really about all, However, recently I have been faced with situations that have done just that. The idea of not knowing how to communicate how I feel without sounding, well, honestly bitchy, has left me with feelings of resentment. Being portrayed as something I am not or perhaps a misunderstanding between friends.. Regardless of the situation behind the feeling I hold the key to let go, yet here I am, lost for words with resentment slowly yet surely building a skyscraper inside of me. Will it improve, or am I destined for misery?

Are you serious?

Could it be because I am British that when faced with something I know nothing about you turn to me with a startled, disbelieving look on your face asking "Are you serious?" Well, I wouldn't ask if I knew..

struggling...

have you ever had something stuck on your mind and no matter what you do to help it just fails miserably? i dont know what to plan for make arrangements or just leave it alone... im a forward planner i have our bags packed a full month in advance for vacations etc so with only a week to go i find myself biting my nails and cleaning house..

Good morning..

good morning..

Unexpeted morning..

I had an unexpeted morning, I purchased a CD, and my thoughts turned to my little Angel.

I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didnt get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
I didn't think that I could feel so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we are not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space deep within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"and heard you say "Goodbye"
Unknown.

Hannah-Rae would be celebrating her 5th birthday this April..

Memory and emotions.

Remember in "Harry potter" Dumbledore has a bowl filled with memories... I could really use one of those right now! However, I wouldn't know where to begin, Which memory would you store? Could you store emotions too? Would you even want to?

Would it be satisfying to be able to remove certain things from your mind? I am who I am because of history, because of those memories and emotions.. I am who I am because of someone today a friend, my husband even a stranger. It just takes one word to make or break a mood. Would you store that one word?

By storing such things in Dumbledores thing-a-me-jigger (Can't remember what its called) would you in turn be destroying yourself?

Psycho stalker crazy number 1 fan...

Yes me! I know.. Borderline insanity, Right?

Well, it all started back in January 2004, I went on a road trip to Salt Lake with my friend "John Kuchenmeister", He had a project he was working on for the radio station he worked with. He introduced me to "Ryan Shupe and the RubberBand" A group I had, quite frankly never heard of before, playing instruments which somewhat embarrasinly I had never heard of. without much expectation I sat through the entire cd with surprising result. I actually liked this band!

Thus begun the stalking! Having no idea who they were I came back knowing Google would be my greatest friend, Well, Several years of stalking the internet they came to CEDAR CITY UT.. Oh the excitement was insane.. They played at the Summer games, in the Rice Eccles Colluseum, I ran straight down to the field as close as I could get finally finding my way to the front barriers where I stayed screaming my heart out! I know sad and pathetic! They did amazing, I was indeed back in awe of this Utah band, ARGH HEAVEN!! Then I became a member on a well known social networkand found all the members 3 of which happily accepted me as a friend, Roger Archibald, Ryan Shupe and Ryan Tilby! I know Right? Well Me being the pesimist that I am chose not to comment on too many things on there wall's (If at all) Is it really them or someone faking it just like Prince Harry's profile (Yes I stalk him too)

Then 3 years later I was in a Las Vegas hotel room with my family and twin sister (Yes I said twin there is indeed 2 of me yes we are identical-K over it? Good) I got on facebook to post a picture of Yvonne and I all dressed up for Phantom when I notice an event invite.

Ryan Tilby, Keith Sorensen and Aaron (Can't remember last name-Yeah I'm terrible, My bad) were doing a house show AT MY FRIENDS HOUSE! Stalking more than before!

The Saturday of the gig February 4th, couldn't come soon enough.. I think I just blew up Ryan Tilby's wall with nonesence, I about died when my phone dinged telling me RYAN TILBY had actually posted on my wall status.. A long lengthy call to the UK followed.. I was a kid in a candy store! Pacing all over the house I was showered and dressed 3 hours early, more pacing.. More comments from Ryan Tilby on my wall I was going nuts! Can you believe I was about to meet one of my musical idols! Don't get me wrong he is no Garth Brooks.. But man RYAN TILBY!!

Finally we drop the kids off to Charlie's parents and we're on our way.. I walk in.. Whisper to Charlie, "Look thats him," Pointing like a little girl feeling all kinds of embarraesment.. Charlie looks over next thing I know Charlie is saying Hi Ryan, She is your number 1 fan! Oh I wanted to die, I may be a in your face girl but trust mesituations like this and I clam up.. but.. RYAN TILBY gave me a hug! ARGH!! "sighing" It was a fun night he started making fun of me for recording them finally my battery died. I got a few pictures of/with him.. Quite possibly one of the best nights of my life, At least in the top ten.. I even invited him to join us for the superbowlparty the next day.. Yeah he declined, But if you look on his facebook walland scroll down to Feb 4th, You will read his status....

"is upgrading Fiona Flowers from Facebook friend to Actual Awesome Friend."

Yes folks I'm his friend! I get to go see him for the day in St George on March 13th.. (Well the entire band) Until then Yes I am his psycho stalker crazy number 1 (But not in the misery form) fan!



If you made it through then YAY you xx One happy camper, Fiona..

Shrinking!

It's so exciting to step on the scale on a Saturday morning and realize you have lost 5lb! Great way to start the day..

I got dressed and found that my jeans no longer fit so they are currently in the washing machine (again) to see if they will shrink in the tumble dryer.. I look like a sack of potatoes gone wrong!

here's to healthy eating and exesize.. My new best friends!

And thanks to Leslie Groft's Body Semester..